More and more, I am absolutely convinced other people hate me. It even feels like my boyfriend is distant lately. I've always been a weirdo I guess and maybe I don't blame people who start to hate me. I hate myself. I just wish I could disappear. Life is too painful. I think there's a pattern of people liking me at first, then becoming completely disenchanted. All I can do is cry, cry, cry...
...And all it does is give me more time to hate myself. I made it to group therapy Monday. Now I don't feel like going to individual therapy today. How long can I keep this up? Group (DBT) therapy is supposed to be a year and I don't want to be a quitter again. So I have to keep going, keep trying. It's too.easy to lay down and do nothing, let my life pass me by. I've done that before and it's only made things worst. Things don't magically go away when you try to ignore it or block it out, it only builds and builds until it all piles up and falls on top of you.
I've struggled with addiction a lot beginning last year. I was on tramadol for a year, but I'm so glad I was able to get off of that. It was horrible feeling like a slave to a pill and it tricked me into thinking I couldn't see my boyfriend without it. It made me feel like I wouldn't be "myself"...whoever the hell that is. I also quit the tramadol because I feared not being able to get it anymore and going through horrible withdrawals. Good thing I did quit because I found out it was no longer available in my state from sources I used to rely on. Now there's been a wine addiction and I fight urges to drink soooo hard. My mind tells me I need it to be in a better mood and so I can forget myself and everything else. Drinking only made things worst a few times and I can't even enjoy it because I beat myself up for being a "loser" and giving in to the bottle. So I'm trying to stay away from wine. And I don't want to drink on the weekend while I'm with my boyfriend anymore because I don't want to be the "alcoholic girlfriend". He jokes around and calls me a drunk or alcoholic and I really hate that. It's just not me. It's not who I want to be. I haven't been drinking in front of him the past couple of weekends. Going to try to sleep now.
I know for sure I'm seeing my boyfriend this weekend, so I'm happy :) He's been down lately, I will cheer him up. I think things will get even better when the warmer weather comes. I miss our walks in the woods and hanging out at his sister's house in the middle of nowhere. It's beautiful, just open space and nature.
Life is incredibly lonely when you don't really have friends, not to mention I can hardly stand to be around people anyway. I have been going to group therapy and those people seem nice. I also do individual therapy. I was asking my therapist how to meet people. I'm not into the bar or club scene. I'm unable to work or go to school at this time. Too bad there's no one under my bed.
Things feel more empty lately because I haven't been seeing my boyfriend that much. It's just the way it is right now. I really hope I can see him this weekend. Even when we are together, seems like we're only having sex once a weekend. He has his own issues with depression and hating the way he looks. I know the feeling so I've been working out lately and trying to feel better. It's helping. I don't know what to do because if our sex life gets any worst, we'll basically just be friends who kinda hang out on the weekend.
Sex isn't everything, but it's a big deal when you're not having it. I love him. I'm afraid this is going to be one of the reasons we might break up someday. He always says "Sorry I can't keep you happy." Or "Sorry I can't satisfy you." *sighs* That makes me feel like he doesn't really want to try anymore. Anyway, that's my rant.
I can't even believe this is who I am. Who is this person? I'm a mess. There's no other way to look at it. The best and worst thing was my boyfriend convincing me to go on Twitter. It can be so rewarding at times, but soooo bad when you have no self control and become addicted. I have deleted my account a few times, only to end up going back. I have a lot in common with many people there who share the same interests, but I have to remember IT'S NOT REAL LIFE! If Twitter shut down, those people wouldn't be around and they can't actually be there for you like...real people you actually know. It's way too easy to get caught up in that world and I lose myself. I need to disconnect and live my life. I need to get a schedule and stick to it. Some days I feel ok, then this overwhelming anxiety hits me and I feel like everything is falling down on me. I have not been in touch with myself spiritually. When you're not in tune with your mind and body, all is lost. I need help and I'm the only one who can help myself. That is very scary. It just really feels like I'm incapable of...doing anything. Edit: I just uninstalled the Twitter app which was a great idea. Now I can't just click on it and instantly go on there anymore.
I put 5 grams of ashwagandha powder in capsules and took them because I'm not crazy about the taste. It makes me feel nice and relaxed, like everything is ok. So I plan on taking my ashwagandha powder every day to be stress free and more relaxed. I will also take Kanna along with it to ease my depression and see how this goes. I found my weights and I will be working out more. Determined. I want to be as pretty as I know I can be and feel confident. Here's to a fresh start.
That's what I did tonight when my boyfriend asked if I'm ok. I said "Sure." What's the point in complaining to him anymore. All I get is a "I'm sorry, I wish I could help :(" text from him, then I feel like a bigger loser. I hate knowing that a new year is about to begin. I used to be hopeful about new years, but 99% of the time I'm miserable anyway so who cares. I feel like I'm dying and screaming and no one can hear me. No one knows what to do anyway. My life is such an embarrassment. I'm at a standstill. It's too dark to see my way out. I don't want to take stupid Lexapro, but maybe I should suck it up and do it. It's not like I've done myself a lot of good by
self-medicating. I have found a few things that really work, but it's only temporary, not something
that can be taken every day. I guess a temporary fix is better than no relief at all, but that's what keeps me on this emotional rollercoaster. I can feel amazing for a day or two, then it's back to the bottom. What goes up, must come down. Never fails. Oh well, for now I will continue to enjoy Pink Floyd and fall asleep. If only I never had to face waking up.
It's ridiculous! We watched the finale of Homeland. Then he started reading his Facebook on his phone. He showed me a picture on there, then I was reading some of the comments and out of nowhere, he threw his phone at the wall. Wtf? I asked him why he got so mad and he was silent. Then after a lil while, he turned the tv off and threw the remote. I don't understand his outburst. He's thrown things before, but this time was just really weird and over nothing. Then for him to be silent and not talk to me pisses me off. Now he's asleep. Maybe I should seriously think about whether or not I should stay in this relationship. It makes me kinda scared that he can flip out for no reason. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had, but it's not ok to act like that and maybe he'll only get worst.
Here it is 2:30 am, I feel lonely and stressed out. I wish Christmas wasn't about gift giving. It really adds unnecessary stress. I just want to disappear or be comatose until the holidays are over. I know during the holidays, I will want to isolate as usual. Having a relationship makes anxiety worst on some levels. My boyfriend has a big family and I don't want to deal with them. Or anyone for that matter. I wish I was a different person in a different circumstance. I overanalyze everything and think too much. I'm also sick of being insecure, second-guessing myself all the time and needing approval from others. I hope in BPD group therapy, I can become well because I'm so sick of everything.
I seriously hate my boyfriend sometimes. This is one of those times. Obviously he was too busy with his dumb videogame with his friend last night to even think about texting me. Guys who are obsessed with videogames annoy me. I got rid of my ex partly for that reason because he was on that X Box all day with his friends and I felt ignored. I don't want to feel such intense hostility and hatred towards my best friend and lover, but can't help it! Then I ask myself how do I even know what love really is if it's so fleeting. I have glimpses of love I think, just like I have glimpses of thinking I know who I really am, then it disappears, leaving me lost and empty again. I deleted my Twitter last night and I should stay off of it for good. I've come to the conclusion it's no good for me mentally. I tweet things and it causes me to loathe myself soooo much. I obsess over if I tweet too much. I'm paranoid about every subtweet. Just found out what a subtweet is last night. Haha When I'm paranoid and I feel like it's me against the world, Twitter is the worst thing for me. I convince myself I'm universally hated and that every negative thing is indirectly meant for me. There were some great things about Twitter though. Ryan Adams favorited my tweets a couple of times and it was the best feeling! To have one of my favorite singer/songwriters read something I said and like it, is pretty cool. I also get to talk to people who have the same interests which is fun. I don't think it's worth all the anxiety though. I don't know...I just wish I was normal and that everything didn't bother me. I have the Smashing Pumpkins concert next week...if I decide to go, I feel too fat and disgusting to go anywhere. Anyway, if I go,I know I'll feel the urge to tweet about it. Then I tell myself, "Who cares about what you have to say anyway." Honestly, it's not like the world will stop turning if they don't get my opinions of a concert or whatever it may be. In the next life, I want to come back with a normal brain.
I really hate when I get upset and I take things out on my boyfriend. Today was a low point. I just feel like everyone I know has their sh*t together more than I do. A job, a car, their own place, it just feels like I'm living below anyone's standards. Like I'm just crawling and drowning at the bottom. I can't control my emotions lately. I get so upset and miserable with myself, I lash out at my boyfriend even though he doesn't deserve it. But in that moment, there is no love in my heart, only hatred for myself and everyone else. He even said it seems like I don't care about.him at all, but in these moments, when I'm in an emotional storm, I don't care about ANYTHING! It really bugs me to feel like I will never get my life the way I want it to be. And I'm soooo beat down from depression, anxiety and everything else, I'm tired of trying. So what's the point? I start seeing a therapist next Tuesday who will get me in Borderline group therapy. I'm at my wit's end. Mentally and physically drained. Maybe I'll feel better later. Though I know that won't be long lived and I'll be back to wishIng I didn't exist. The worst thing I can do is compare myself to others because I suffer with illnesses they don't have. All of it is very disheartening.
I'm so sick of not being able to see a band I love because I have no one to go with. The Smashing Pumpkins are coming in October. I have their new album Oceania. I love it. Now it hurts to hear the songs since I won't be able to experience it live. My boyfriend doesn't want to see them. His birthday is the day before the concert so that's his convenient excuse to not be able to get another day off work since he already took the day off for his B'day. There are very few things I enjoy in this life. Music is like religion to me and it kills me that I'm missing out on an amazing concert. I don't have any friends and when I seriously think about that, it's painful. I can only count on my b/f to do things with me, but when it comes to concerts, he's usually not interested. I do start to feel hatred and resentment towards him. I just wish I knew people who enjoy music and concerts as much as I do.And I hate the way it seems like everybody else has people to hang out with except me. It seems like other people have no problem with calling someone up and going out to whatever. I just feel cursed.
Borderline Personality Disorder and other mental illnesses have ruined my life. I'm nowhere near the person I used to be. It seemed not too long ago, I was seeing my grandmothers, my dad, hanging out with my cousins and having fun. I remember being pretty and skinny (though back then I thought I was ugly and fat because I NEVER had self esteem). I would've appreciated those moments a lot more if I had known my mental illness was going to come crashing down on me and make me a total recluse. I haven't seen a large part of my family in years because I'm worried about the way I look. I am not the same person. I was always the skinny one in the family, not anymore. When I saw my grandma years ago, I heard that she talked to my aunt about my weight gain. That's part of why I OD'd. It hurt so bad. My body image has always been a source of pain. I've never been comfortable in my own skin, even when I was 5'7" 130 pds. I can't remember a time in my life where I felt completely ok with myself.
So now, I'm turning 29 soon. Getting older sucks. It's so foreign to me. I don't know how to grow old. I still feel like a kid mentally. Even though my boyfriend is 3 years younger than me, I feel like he's more grown up in a lot of ways. I look up to him and admire him. He's not perfect, but I wish I was more like him. It's like I'm old, but I have nothing to show for it. Certain things on tv, like music videos, sometimes cause me pain inside because it reminds me of who I used to be: this pretty, young girl. I'm still pretty according to the people who mean the most to me, but I don't feel it. I want to get to a point where I finally accept myself. When is it ok to stop hating myself? When is it ok to be happy with who I am? Without feeling like I don't have what it takes anymore.
The best thing that's happened to me is my b/f of 10 months. It seems more like 10 years. Lol He saved my life. If I had gone all this time without anyone and feeling like no one could ever love me for who I am, I'd probably be spending my birthday trying to take my life. A person can only deal with so much. I can be strong at times, but for the most part, I'm very delicate and I shatter like glass. So it's time to embrace and love the person I am and work towards bettering myself. Let go of the demons and negative voices that have haunted me my whole life. I deserve to live a fulfilling life. My mind is my worst enemy and it leads me to believe I don't deserve anything at all, except darkness and torture. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not "good enough" and unworthy. Time to stop feeling like I'm a big nothing compared to others. I'm too chickensh*t to kill myself, so I might as well put my energy into trying to enjoy the life I have left. We don't know how much time we have, and I pray I don't spend the rest of it completely miserable.
Obsessive thoughts suck! I've been beating myself up a lot lately because this is the biggest I've been. Enough with the complaining, time to do something about it. I really can't stand to be in this body. I knew it was bad when I was over my b/f's house last weekend and I hated the way I looked in everything I tried on. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY! Today I've been eating vegetables. I've lost weight before. I stuck to vegetables, tuna out of a can and working out. Time to stick to it. My birthday is in a few weeks and I already know it's too late to be thin, but I can still feel better.
Last weekend was actually fun. I went to my boyfriend's sister's house out in the country. It was my first bonfire. I rode on the back of an ATV. Great booze and huge fireworks. It was one of the best nights of my life in a REALLY long time! I was on enough Phenibut and alcohol to completely forget myself and forget how hideous I feel. I was the life of the party in a way. I was laughing, joking around, dancing. I spoke to others with ease, totally free of anxiety. Now days later, I started obsessing over if I made an arse of myself. One of the guys there probably took the prize for being an embarrassment. He got so drunk, he fell into the table on the patio and knocked stuff over. It was funny at the time. I just hate obsessing over things days later. It's so stupid. What's the point anyway? It's in the past. I always exaggerate things in my mind.
I called into my favorite radio show and that went ok I guess. My stupid phone clicked over to the other line during the call, so that didn't help. It probably sounded like a train wreck, but I got a lot of retweets, so maybe it wasn't so bad. I was supposed to see my boyfriend, but he's talking about he feels overwhelmed and life is too much. That made me feel like a burden. So I told him to relax and I'll see him whenever. I'm just tired of everything. I wanted to relax with him and hold him. I guess he needs time to himself. I just wish I could run away and never look back. I got ready and put on makeup for nothing. So here I am crying and listening to Smashing Pumpkins new album. I wish I had enough alcohol to induce a coma. I just feel overbearing and like I get on people's nerves when I don't mean to. I remember being completely free and feeling nothing when I overdosed on klonopin and wine a few years ago. I didn't have to feel anything. I was blacked out and close to death. It was very peaceful, like a deep sleep. Maybe that's what death is like...sleep. No painful feelings, my mind not torturing me anymore. Free of everything. I'm all alone tonight when I should've been in my boyfriend's arms. I want to fade away so badly.
I've suffered from severe depression my whole life. I'm no stranger to it, but today was a new low. I feel extremely certain I'm not meant to be here. All signs seem to point to the fact that I should be dead. Not one glimmer of hope. No dreams or aspirations. No nothing. My mom lost her job a month ago, so I've been helping her out with my disability money. I don't mind helping, but she's an idiot. She spends the money on stupid stuff. A notice came today that electric/gas will be shut off. I snapped. The LEAST she can do is pay the bills! She's busy hanging out with her boyfriend like she's in high school. He can't pay for anything. He has no money. I had to give her more money to pay the bill. My boyfriend invited me to live with him and his mother. I told him I appreciate that, but I'm a wreck. I can't just move in with him. Seems like he took offense in a way. I'm too scared to move and even if I do, I know I would only be a burden. He works really long hours and I can't imagine being at his house all day with his mom. Just thinking about it is a nightmare. At least at my house, I can close myself off all day without any question. I avoid people and if I lived over there, I would have to deal with his family who loves to come over. No thanks. They'll all see what a weirdo I really am because I won't interact. So anyway, the whole day has been a disaster. I realize I have no future. I'm too afraid to move away from home. I have no job. I have no friends, except for my boyfriend. He texted me all happy because he got a raise. That was another blow. All I could feel was even more depressed. At least he has a job and he's doing well. I don't have anything but my misery. I don't have a reason to exist. My life is over. I'm only going to live with my mom until the day I die or kill myself. I'm too afraid to kill myself, so I'll just live with my mom and face the embarrassment of growing older and older without ever moving out. My brother is 16 and he took his driving course. He will be driving, which is something I can't do. He will also move out someday because he's not mentally ill like I am. That makes me feel even more embarrassed, knowing I have a little brother who will be doing everything I've never done. I'm the loser big sister. I've been crying uncontrollably all night. Nothing can ease this pain. If only I could fall asleep and never wake up. Waking up is too painful. What did I do to deserve this? I deleted my twitter account. I think people hate me on there, but they didn't want to be mean and unfollow me. I deleted the whole thing so no one has to worry about it. I felt like some kind of weight was lifted off of my shoulders. No more obsessing over what strangers I'll never meet think of me. I read the suicide project website and I know I'm not alone. There are others just like me who can't take it anymore. Life isn't worth living if you have nothing left. I'm too damaged. I don't have what it takes to be independent and lead a normal life. Absolutely no purpose for me. Only pain.
I feel universally hated, by everyone. And my boyfriend must be so sick of me. When I'm feeling unsure and insecure, maybe I talk more and I'm more clingy. I don't know, my brain sucks. Last night, I took Phenibut. Supposedly it calms you down and makes you sleepy. Not in my case! It takes a few hours to kick in and all it did was give me too much energy, a speedy type of feeling. It made me overly talkative and probably obnoxious. I did kinda feel good and everything made me giggly...I guess in my mental state, it made me very emotional. I got into an argument over Paterno and Sandusky. It was a topic on a sports show, so I mentioned it to my boyfriend and he said, "I don't care about that." What? How can you not care about that? Then he said "It's just negative news, so people cling to it. No wonder you hate everyone and everything because you let stuff drive you crazy." F YOU! I don't think about it every minute of the day, but it's a pretty huge story. Sorry, I don't have my head shoved up my ass and I know what's going on in the world. I push him away with an argument I never wanted to have, then I try to pull him back to me. He must be so annoyed with me. I don't even know where I was going with this. I need to try to soothe myself emotionally and put some space between us. I feel like I drive him crazy and I hate that feeling.
Every day time flies, and I'm behind. This is a serious problem. Before I know it, half the day is gone and I haven't accomplished much of anything. It's like I just can't keep up and I feel so stuck, can't move. I don't understand it and I don't know if anyone else has this serious problem with time passing them by. It's disturbing, and it can be embarrassing when other people notice how long it takes me to do certain things. Everything and everyone around me is moving and I am standing still. What is going on? I'm supposed to see my boyfriend after he gets off work today. The way this day is going, I still won't be ready by the time he's off work. The day is gone.
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When my mind is constantly torturing me and I feel like I'm going to explode! My boyfriend can't help soothe me because he's going through his own emotional turmoil that's job-related and he doesn't feel like talking. So here I am, all the self loathing, racing thoughts, and no comfort. One thing I remember being said about borderline personalities in a book, is that we don't know how to soothe ourselves. This is true. Every emotion is magnified times a million and it feels like I want to rip my skin off. So uncomfortable in my own body and mind and no way to quiet this storm. Except maybe with the help of a klonopin + Benadryl to help sedate me. I know I worry way too much about things and what people think of me. Yes, this is Twitter related again. Twitter isn't all bad. I've had some great experiences on there so I don't want to paint it as all bad. But there are those moments where I feel like I've talked too much or said the wrong thing and put my foot in my mouth. It makes me want to die. This is a huge trigger for me. So I guess the ultimate decision is to get rid of the damn thing or try to not get so worked up over sh*t. I don't want to get rid of it because I have a pretty good following already and I haven't been there that long. Also, my favorite radio host follows me. I don't want to throw all that away. But I also don't want to feel like a slave to this mental torture when I feel like I've fucked up on there in some kind of way. * *sighs* Social media is very difficult for people with emotional dysregulation. Hopefully I can sleep it off. Oh great, but I'll still have to wake up in the morning and want to kill myself. It never ends..
Previous PostsI don't belong here., posted April 9th, 2013
Not being able to sleep SUCKS!, posted April 3rd, 2013
Hopeful, posted March 22nd, 2013
Life and BS, posted March 20th, 2013
A mess, posted February 28th, 2013
Feeling content tonight, posted December 27th, 2012
Just lie and tell him I'm fine., posted December 26th, 2012
My boyfriend needs anger management, posted December 16th, 2012
It's a dark night., posted December 15th, 2012
Hatred...I hate that feeling. lol, posted October 15th, 2012
Tired of living, posted September 14th, 2012
The Story Of My Life, posted August 29th, 2012, 3 comments
Trying to let go of who I was and accept who I am, posted July 25th, 2012
Wish obsessive thoughts would stop., posted July 11th, 2012
Tonight Is Not Turning Out The Way I Planned It..., posted June 30th, 2012
This life will be the death of me, posted June 18th, 2012
One Of Those Days..., posted June 14th, 2012
I really don't understand..., posted May 21st, 2012
I Just Don't Give A ****, posted May 16th, 2012
It's Like A Storm Inside..., posted May 11th, 2012
OMG! I feel like I'm on Twitter WAY TOO MUCH! So embarrassing!, posted May 3rd, 2012
Waking Up...My Nightmare, posted May 2nd, 2012
The Big Empty, posted April 23rd, 2012
Random BS, posted April 19th, 2012
STUPID HOCKEY PLAYOFFS!, posted April 15th, 2012
"You and I used to shine like a jewel, but time's been nothing to us, but cruel.", posted March 13th, 2012
Haha Twitter Fail...Again, posted March 7th, 2012
I hate EVERYTHING now and I'm so tired of life, posted February 29th, 2012, 2 comments
I FEEL DEAD INSIDE AND DYING..., posted February 19th, 2012
I really don't give a **** right now, posted February 14th, 2012, 1 comment
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